Thursday, March 01, 2007

Notes on the Lesser Necessities of Survival

(My latest published article for the local! Hello, $50!)

Notes on the Lesser Necessities of Survival

1.0: Surviving; Overcoming Indifference Towards

Survival. (Cue “The Best of Morrissey.”)

So you’ve survived – now what? Back to the grind, eh?

“You know, I made it off the sinking Titanic!”

That’s great, Grandma. Get back in the kitchen, and check the roast.

The above exchange with my grandmother did not, of course, occur – she was on the Andrea Doria.

But it does illustrate the snide remarks often batted about by a few ranks of our cold, bloodless, fellow citizens who “just don’t wanna hear about it.” And why don’t they? Fear, I suppose, of the challenges thrust on the human spirit. Or maybe the present survivor, although a veteran of a most inspirational occurrence, has an annoying voice. I don’t know. I’m not a ‘trick cyclist’, as the cockney say!

2.0: Surviving; Exploitation of

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3.0: Surviving; Obstacles in the Course of

Beyond dire situations unfit for mockery (war, tyranny, disease, and other personal tragedies), we the people experience numberless calamities we barely survive, psychically and spiritually speaking. Like what? Glad you asked.

These experiences require the parameters of short-term survival. As in, “If I can get through this moron’s story for the next two minutes, I going to get myself a patch that reads ‘I survived 120 seconds of half-witted drivel,’ and it would have, like, an eagle with earmuffs flying away from earth.”

Other patch-worthy encounters are with the following:

Actors in commercials who pretend to be your friends.
All country music recorded after 1973.
People who start sentences with the word “basically.” Basically, anyone who pads their statements with empty terms.
Tapered jeans.
Waiting for your windshield to defrost.
How you still can’t listen to AM in a tunnel.
Those pop-ups that float across your computer screen.
Commercials at the beginning of films Now in Theaters

Oh, and all observational humor.

4.0: Surviving; The Callback


I feel weak just writing about it. I don’t know how I’ll survive…

Wait, I know!