It's Funny Cuz It's True...

President's Remarks at Victory 2002 Event
Remarks by the President to the Republican Party of Texas
Victory 2002 and Cornyn for Senate Luncheon
Hyatt Regency Hotel
Dallas, Texas March 28, 2002
12:15 P.M. CST

"You know, when I was campaigning in Chicago, in the general election, somebody said, would you ever deficit spend? I said, well, only if we were at war, or there was a national emergency, or we were in a recession. Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta." (Laughter.)

I know this is an oft-blogged quote, but it never loses its punch with me. I call the "culture of life" the "culture of laugh!"

Love & Chuckles,
Charlie

How to Properly Introduce an Irradiated Lizard

Part Two of my early poetry unearthings finds me dabbling in such poetic forms as the cinquain and limerick. Why I referred to the classic Japanese monster this way, I don't know. But it does jive with my Long Island accent and its peculiarities where pronunciation is concerned.

We Were Better Off Uncensored

I came across two books of poetry I had written as class asignments in 4th Grade (that'd put it at early 1979). One collection was an alphabetical history of America. Judging from these 26 poems, I did not have -- or was not offered -- a full telling of our nation's past (there seemed to be a pre-occupation with inventions). But I really appreciate now my morbid synopsis of World War II. I imagine that these days I'd instead be counseled rather than applauded for my understanding (a small green "A" was etched into my tweed-like cover by Mrs. Zarwin).

What Happened?

I wonder often (well, when I've had a few beers -- OK, often): could I have taken another route, career-wise? Should I perhaps have even chosen a career, rather than a job? I'd like to view my missed opportunities, experience alternate possibilities...

But really, I know: nothing else was ever to be. My sloth, my ennui too often trumps my verve. My zest, if you will. And if you won't? Well, you can go screw like the rest of them.

It comes down to this: I used to like raisins. Now I don't.

There Has Always Been The Feebs...

Guh? You haven't heard of the Feebs? Holy crap. Best band ever. And I should know. How? Don't you ever f-ing question me! Go here to read about the Feeb and buy his compilation I'm Afraid of Life on CDBaby. Or go to one of these online resources for digital downloads (the wave of the future.) And yeah you gotta pay:

Audio Lunchbox
mMode
EEMPE3
emusic
MP3tunes
BuyMusic
RuleRadio
Sony Connect
QTRnote
Puretracks
Mperia
MSN Music
Bitmunk

The Feebs are also available through these services:

MusicMatch
iTunes
Napster
Rhapsody
Loudeye
MusicNet
Ruckus

I don't know if any or all these places are run by corporate fascists, etc. What are you gonna do? It's America. Home of the Feebs!

Pigs, pigs, pigs...

...as my pal Harry Carbohydrate used to mutter as a child at the neighbors.

Remember when the government wasn't exclusively run by pigs? Remember when it was only mostly governed by pigs? When was that? Was that a long time ago?

Look at this crew we're tormented by now: The seal of this administration, I believe, should be a scene from Androcles and the Lion, where Androcles represents the nebbishy losers (socially retarded, but propogandistically gifted), and the lion symbolizes the popular blockheads (not "readers," but charismatic to the general populace).

The "gratitude of noble souls" angle is solely shared by these two exclusive groups.

And now Androcles whispers in the lion's ear a seemingly endless list of poor bastards doomed to be pricked with the fortuitous thorn.

What has the thorn represented these last five years? Missiles, bills, cabinet appointments, bombs, lies -- jesus christ, don't forget the lies (you will -- you will forget the lies; there are no lies) -- budget cuts, napalm, misappropriations of funds, etc.

I'm weak on articulate rhetoric, and am easily distracted in my research, and so rely on the opinions and information of others I have deemed trustworthy. Meaning check out Alternet or The Huffington Post or The Majority Report (or dozens of other vigilant sites) for what I believe to be more trustworthy news reporting than the network news and other mainstream outlets.

I'm best at the scathing retort and the insulting description.

Like calling the present administration pigs. The whole f-ing lot of them. And why wouldn't I? What could I possibly be but an enemy to them? Nevermind action, just the very notion of disagreeing with the government today I believe is considered treasonous.

Oh, and an affront to the new Jesus they keep hinting at. You know, the new Jesus I find almost completely unrecognizable from the catechism and missalettes of my youth. Make no mistake -- I've certainly strayed from the politics and dogma of the Catholic Church I was raised in, but I've hardly forgotten the teachings of Jesus. I just no longer sully the essence of them by laminating his life with the literal translation of "Son of God." Or other literal translations.

In my opinion. Obviously.

I've strayed a bit, but to reiterate in a base fashion: They're pigs.

Oh Yeah, I Forgot I Had a Blog

What have I been up to? Who am I asking? Well, I went to the store today. I bought a Heaven 17 CD. Yeah, that's right. And a bottle of Jim Beam. Green label. "Choice."

Let me go.

‘Uncle Sam’ forced into belated retirement by contemporary culture

The creative design team at Factotum Logotype has announced immediate plans replace the image of “Uncle Sam” as a symbol of the United States.

“That tired old coot has got to go!” hollered Morton Village, creative director of the iconoclastic agency that once pitched Disney the idea of Mickey Mouse as a rum-swilling horse player – a plan designed to make the billionaire rodent more appealing to the rum-swilling horse-playing crowd.

“Aside from the seeming significance of the letters U and S,” Village continues, “I see no reason for foisting that withering warmonger on the nations of the world any longer.”

Factotum Logotype’s decision to revamp the beloved mascot was greeted with benign indifference on Capitol Hill. “Mmmrrgle mm mm,” nodded a Congressional aide as he devoured a crawfish and havarti omelet at Washington DC’s trendy breakfast bar, Polk’s Yolks.

Village expounded on what could result in a new American Revolution in public relations. “My problem is that every time I think of ‘Uncle Sam,’ I picture him on stilts, waving two paper cones of cotton candy as he weaves his way through perspiring fairgoers. And the hat? The striped slacks? Outdated! He’s outdated! He’s out!”

Senator Dusty McGravey, of an illustrious Southern state, railed against what he referred to as “the unpatriotic proliferation of liberal commie slander.”

“My poor Uncle Sam must be turning in his grave at the very notion of obliterating his visage! I swear the ol’ feller’d be so hot under the collar about this, he’d blow a hole through the top of his hat!”

Village responded, “Tell Senator Hayseed, ‘Uncle Sam’ was no one’s uncle, just a character composite drawn from a number of sources. Oh, and remind him Communism fell in the early nineties.”

When pressed for the agency’s ideas for replacements, Village could only vaguely offer preliminary sketches of suggestions culled from his staff, reserving his prototype for last.

“We believe the symbol must be contemporary without alienating, hip without being exclusive. Something or someone everyone likes. The “Thumbs Up Baby Girl” is generating a lot of attention.”

Famous American icons have been debated throughout the cubicles of Factotum Logotype. However, suggestions ranging from Yosemite Sam, circa his mud flap days, to the Fonz (“Stop living in the past, man!” scolded a 20-year old designer) were ultimately voted down. The agency realized the new American symbol would have to be new, fresh, and sustainable.

“’Uncle Sam’ barely survived the last century. It’s time he gave up the ghost. And if he hesitates, then we will drag it from his husk.”

Morton Village and the agency hope to present initial designs to the public by early 2007. Why so long?

Says Village, “I’m not through with Disney. I’ll make that mouse a souse yet!”

The Lantern Fishworks 4.0

4.0 Back to Lakebed

This ocean is evaporating. The levels are lowering. The sky is lowery, the fish not so glowery. I put my faith in the clouds. But this period is ending with a period.

01. The invisible bats sucked all the honey out of our couch.
02. A weather vane for a funeral home that only points north and south.
03. Someday: Smelevision!
04. “Life is like Plinko.”
05. nectarature – (n.) a pure, perfect, intoxicating piece of writing.
06. “I think I’ll put my wallet away cuz I’M NOT BUYING IT.”
07. Book: I Drink For Mankind
08. A four-foot-tall Oreo takes a milk bath.
09. I used to think orange juice came from horses.
10. Pregnant teen beauty contest: The Miss Conception Pageant
11. An ice cube is a freezer’s idea.
12. “He’s two-faced. And they’re both ugly.”
13. The Death Channel broadcasts funerals.
14. Joshin’ the Fonz
15. Waxicles
16. Infertile gorillas are seedless apes.
17. Shame is our moral gravity.
18. Is there a Lake America?
19. Toss Across – even a dog could play it.
20. On a clone farm – scratching the ground like chickens are George Washington, Thomas Aquinas, Brendan Behan and George Burns.

I think I’ll bolt the door of the Davy Jones locker of my mind. That sounds real stupid. But any stupider than “waxicles?” Probably not. Anyway, I’m blowing out The Lantern Fish Works.

Gathered November 20, 2000

cp2005 The Lantern Fishworks

Larry's Literate Litanies

Diary of a Man Out of Time.

Just read it.