Monday, January 31, 2005

The Lantern Fishworks 2.0

2.0 Phosphorescent Light Organ Solo

One league deeper we descend into the pulpy abyss of my imagination. Reexamining my fact-finding tour of the universe, I judge the proceedings with such words as derivative, self-righteous, pretentious, clever and coo-coo. I have edited accordingly.

01. purrowed brow – a permanently furrowed brow.
02. suicide – “He showed himself out.”
03. Daphne always seems so disinterested with all the ghost hunting.
04. Prediction: Within the next two years a Sasquatch will be discovered. Within the 10 years following that, it will be no stranger to us than the gorilla.
05. “I was ahead of my own time.”
06. Paleontologist’s T-shirt: I Dig Dinosaur Bones.
07. “She got the sadness”: said to a dour-faced woman.
08. Interrupting your transmission: a modern rephrasing of “begging your pardon.”
09. Places Where I Can’t Remember I’ve Been
10. Was genetics a joke word at first, like from a pulp sci-fi mag?
11. An aardvark coming down the basement stairs.
12. Wouldn’t it be great finding a time capsule?
13. Sometimes the words cannot support the weight of the image.
14. Opening a lobster with a rubber wrench.
15. There’s no million in Atari.
16. Snow White or Cinderella?
17. The Age of Milton Bradley
18. Our ears adjust to the silence.
19. Rosemary had a devilled egg.
20. I bring a bottle of water to every party because Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming!

That’s the second twenty. Or 2.1 – 2.20, for those who are contemporary. The big truths are in the small places. And sometimes they’re right in front of you, or behind you in a box assigned to the nostalgic archives. I like to hope that the lost good ideas have a pinch of baking soda inside each of them so that they will eventually resurface as the light of a darker day.

Gathered November 6, 2000

cp2005 The Lantern Fishworks

Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Lantern Fishworks 1.0

1.0 Introduction and Examples

Deep in the unlit oceans of my notebooks dwell thoughts, ideas and quotes that never surface in my finished writings. Either they could find no purchase in an essay or poem or they are islands unto themselves whose expansion would serve only to elongate and not enrich their meaning. Flipping through my dozen or so notebooks, I see that I have recorded and collected hundreds of these unconnected jottings whose lingo-luminescence has pierced the darkness of my disregard. I present them to you now in no particular order through this series of columns.

01. Do people really “switch” from toast to English muffins?
02. A film about cereal box characters.
03. Handwriting in commercials.
04. Art is a byproduct of culture.
05. Name for protagonist: George Amplified Mockingbird (from cut-up).
06. I always thought Jesus died in a plane crash. I heard something about an “unconscious pilot.”
07. A long brickred poem called school.
08. Character author – (n.) an author whose name is not commonly known but whose works are.
09. The form welcomes but does not dictate the content.
10. “I seem to be everywhere these days.”
11. Misfumber – (v.) to remember an incident as being funny but later realizing it wasn’t when experiencing it again.
12. The vicious grammar enforcers: send out insulting letters to violators of language rules.
13. Morning becomes etcetera: when you get into a daily rut.
14. Technospoiled – (adj.) to be unimpressed with present technology.
15. “Hey, water doesn’t grow on trees!”
16. An Irish pub is a craichouse.
17. Confidence is a dog in my arms.
18. “You’re the gin in my lime.”
19. Is there a word for someone who tries to help and makes things worse?
20. Country stars tuck in their shirts.

Well, that’s the first twenty. This column is really a self-indulgent clearinghouse, I know. Don’t think I don’t know. Therapy comes in many forms – this time it surfaced through the legs of Neptune.

Gathered October 29, 2000

cp2005 The Lantern Fishworks

Why the Lantern Fishworks?

Well, for obvious reasons...

The Lantern Fishworks began as a series of columns for the short-lived, long-lamented and rarely-viewed web zine (if you must) (2000-2001), a digital off-shoot of the short-lived, long-lamented and rarely-read photocopied zine, Report to Hell (1993-1998). Except Yaddasite was funnier and more relevant, which isn't saying much. may still be caroming through the vacuum of webspace, but after its demise, I haven't been able to glimpse even its remnants. For a website superior to the three mentioned here, visit Keep Prying, a paean to the long-term effects of nostalgia, produced by the former co-editor of Report To Hell.

The Lantern Fishworks columns are lists of notions, inventions, and other crap I've scribbled in my notebooks stretching back over the last 10 years or so, none of which I could even flesh out to paragraph length. This is the only structure I could design on which they could find purchase.

The humor is suspect, the purpose is egotistical. Read on, MacDuff!