The Great Wal-Mart of China

My spiel to the local rag about Wal-Mart fucking up the neighborhood...

Ah, Wal-Mart (or as my brother likes to call it the “Made in China Store”)! You just can’t get that many Chinese imports outside of a, well, I guess a Wal-Mart in China. More than 70 percent of the products sold in Wal-Mart are made in China. Now, I don’t have any problem with free trade between the nations of the world; I’ve always considered my self an internationalist. But I do favor my own country first. I think you always have to take care of your own backyard before you mow the neighbors.

One of my problems with Wal-Mart is their seemingly pro-american, thumbs-up-working-class aura that cremates all the working-class competition by suckering the working-class into thinking they have the best prices just because they sell staple items like diapers cheaper but set typical department store prices for other items. Sure, they sell music CDs for under $10, but who cares when all they seem to stock is such uninteresting tripe as “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” and any number of soulless carbon-copied mediocre neo-country pin-ups that’d set Hank Williams spinning in his grave like a centrifuge (which would be fitting since the prototype for that device, a whirling arm apparatus, was utilized to determine drag, which is the state of existence into which I’m immediately thrust when subjected to the aforementioned songs).

One time, in a moment of abysmal ignorance, I purchased a $10 pair of pants at Wal-Mart. By the time I reached the parking lot, they had a hole in them!

Nah, nah, I’m only joking. I would never buy a pair of Rustler Jeans. I’m just saying that, in my unscientific opinion, I think they sell junk. And plenty of it, as I perceive things.

And let us not fail to consider the scenario wherein after the decimation of all surrounding competition, Wal-Mart someday packs up and skips town. What then will Beaverton be left with?

So go ahead, build the Wal-Mart in Cedar Mill. Conjure for us the zenith of all gridlock catastrophes! Smother any remaining essence and character from the ever-dwindling numbers of charming small towns. Go ahead and employ our neighbors at what you consider “livable wages” – I’m sure your gargantuan organization is offering as much as you can afford. Why not build up China’s economy at the expense of America’s most precious commodity, its citizenry? All for a $5 tube top!

Maybe I’m wrong. After all, the Vice President of the United States of America thinks Wal-Mart’s doing great things for the economy.

Or maybe I’m right. And Wal-Mart is a gluttonous vortex of ravenous greed and venomous disdain for the working class, wrapped in a nylon, colorfast fabric American flag. On sale now for $19.86!

I’ll take one! And drape it over a Wal-Mart shopping cart – a casket for the ideals of small business.